If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
