So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
