I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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