i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
