the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
