So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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