There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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