I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
