Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
