i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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