I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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