The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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