4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
