This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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