My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
