I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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