the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
