my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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