I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
