Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
