Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
