I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
