So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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