All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
50% drunk capacity currently
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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