its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
