I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
