He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
