can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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