i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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