Ketchup is God's man juice
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
