you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
