apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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