my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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