i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
