You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
