i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
