It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
