I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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