Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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