it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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