Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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