just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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