is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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