I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
