He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
