dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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