You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
