I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
