apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
