apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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