So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
