Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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