I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
