Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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