He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
