what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
