I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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