My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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