I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Rumble strips road head = magical
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
