woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
