we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
