apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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