My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
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OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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